Confrontations With My Dead Father
These are very strange an
uncomfortable times. Even people who are used to the good life are
experiencing upheaval. My upheaval began ten years ago, and I have been writing
about it ever since. Something very strange happened out here on the farm, that literally closed the doors on me. All the
synchronicities I was used to relying on for most of my life just stopped. Over
the period of the last decade, I have felt increasingly imprisoned by a force
outside of myself that has done its best to block any light from reaching me. I
have had the sensation of being locked in a room surrounded by two-way mirrors—I
could see everything going on around me, but no one could see me. I have had
this sensation for so long, that I have forgotten what it feels like otherwise.
Over the past ten years, I have tried
everything on the face of God's Green Earth to break this spell and set myself
free. I have spent more time, energy and effort working on myself at the energetic
level than any other person I have ever known, and truly suffered more, too.
Rather than all the "friends" I once had giving me support and
compassion, for the most part, they have ostracized me, and the more self
righteous among them will spew out textbook solutions, that if I just followed
the rules of "the secret" my life would be back in working order. Oh,
please, someone get me a bucket. . .
Several years ago, I began focusing on clearing
work, both karmic (and DNA) and entities, and that has by far been the most
effective work I have done, at least enabling me to survive. But I have always
known that when I finally found the real source of this misery, I would know it
beyond a doubt, because my life would rapidly open up and begin to work again.
Over the past month, a very strange thing
began to occur. I suddenly had flashbacks of how easy it used to be for me to
get what I needed and wanted. I'm not saying that my life was easy—I have always had far more than normal challenges,
and I have always put tremendous energy into my life. But at least, I could
count on it paying off. I had a belief that if I set my mind to something that
I really wanted, I could get it. And I never faced starving or being homeless,
as I have in the last several years.
I started to remember synchronicities that I
hadn't thought about for years—getting not one, but two full-tuition
scholarships, because my parents could never have sent me to college. Then I
got two graduate assistantships. When I was living in
My father died in 1981, at age 82, when I
was in grad school in
But over the years, I really forgave him. He
was what he was, and never pretended to be anything else, unlike my mother. If
I were to choose which of my parents held the more diabolical energy, it would
be my mother, hands down. She would smile sweetly as she stuck the dagger in
your back, and had a gift for manipulating reality to always end up the victim.
My father, however, was basically just a
loser. Selfish. Useless. He
was never violent, even in a drunken stupor. He never laid a hand on either me
or my mother. But he really existed in his own little world. A
world behind walls that he created. (Ah, are we seeing a connection
here?) It's not that he hated me, I just simply didn't
exist in his world.
When I moved back home, I began to feel his
energy here. In spite of everything, I always had the more spiritual connection
to him, rather than my mother. He instilled in me the love for this farm, the
house, puttering with mechanics, and the ability to take things apart and fix
them. So when I started the farm as a business, I thought he was somewhere
feeling proud, that I was carrying on what he loved to do. I never felt an energy of animosity, and it certainly never occurred to
me that all the chaos that I was suffering though was being caused by him.
I thought that for ten years, in fact. Until last week.
As I have mentioned again and again, as we
continue this planetary process of cleansing and purging, more and more of the
entities that have been trapped in the crust of the earth are working their way
to the surface like infected splinters. It has been getting really bad, at
least here in
During that week, however, I became very
much aware, once again of my father's energy. And I realized that he really was
still around, and had not crossed over. So I decided to communicate with him.
I first asked him to show me his presence by
a bird flying over me, and very soon, not one, but thick flocks of them,
Hitchcock-style, swarmed overhead, I got the message, Ok, Dad, take the birds
away. And they left. We had set up some communication.
I did some journey work, and offered to
cross him over. But he didn't go. Over the next few days, I talked to him, and
said that perhaps he had unfinished business—maybe he was being given a
wonderful opportunity to be the father he never was in real life. So I asked
him for help in turning around all of these terrible things that have happened
to me.
I didn't really feel like I was getting a
response. So I talked to him more. And more. And a lot more. But the
more I talked, the more I realized that nothing had really changed—he was still
in his own world, oblivious to my existence.
Though I rarely watch TV, I have become a
huge fan of Ghost Whisperer. The
stories are loosely based on some experiences of James van Praagh, one of the
world most noted spiritual mediums, who is also is involved with the show's
production. One of the things I have really learned from watching is that, if
you're a nasty person when you are alive, you will probably still be a nasty
person when you're dead. I think many of us "spiritual people" like
to think that death reverts us back to our divine and
angelic selves, the beings we were before we took on the burden of a body. And
that is true, to a certain extent, once a person crosses over. But for
earthbound spirits, they really aren't much different than when they were
alive. That often has a lot to do with why they are earthbound.
So, to my dismay, I realized that, not only
was my father not even remotely interested in having a second chance to do
something good, he was barely aware that I existed. But things began to make a
little more sense—that feeling of being imprisoned, of looking out of two-way
mirrors, alienated from the rest of the world. Though I don’t know, of course,
but that is probably what it feels like to be earthbound dead—in a limbo state,
unable to move forward or back. And in his case, that is most likely the way he
felt when he was alive. That is
certainly what I have felt for a
decade. With me being so clairsentient, it would be reasonable to assume that I
was feeling the emotional residue of my dead father. And the blocks and chaos I
have endured would certainly point to the presence of a very
imbedded spirit. Even though I have done, and had others do many, many
clearings, his spirit was so connected to this land, it
remained undetectable.
When I realized my father really wasn't
interested in another chance, or finishing old business, I told him he had to
get out, one way or another. If he wouldn't let me cross him over, then I would
find a way to banish him, and I began by focusing extremely high vibrational
energy all over the farm. One of the reasons he had finally been flushed to the
surface is because of the intensifying vibrations of the planet on the whole.
All of it must go, you know. We are in the process now of sending anything that
doesn't belong off to where it does belong. As we enter the Fifth Dimension,
anything that is not of the present and matching the current vibrations of the
planet will cease to exist.
That night, I had the strangest thing happen.
I was sleeping on the couch with my cats. At one point, I was awakened by
something that sounded like music intermingled with hoo-hooing. As I opened my
eyes, I could see a white form moving against the wall, close to where there
had once been a couch on which my father died. In the dining room, I saw
shadows flit across the walls.
It actually was a very peaceful feeling. I
wanted to get up to see what that eerie noise was outside, but it was that
really cold night, plus I had a pile of cats asleep on top of me and knew if I
dared move, they would all wake up and demand a snack.
When I got up the next day, I still heard
the strange sound—obviously some distance piece of machinery or equipment with
a musical tone to it, being run at some ungodly hour of the morning. However,
if it had not awakened me, I never would have seen the forms moving around my
house. And I did feel as if a clearing had been done. My father did get taken
away.
I am not sure how I am feeling. I have
gotten my hopes up before that I have finally found the source of the strange
and horrifying stuff I have endured, so only time will tell. I do feel more
energized than I have in a while, and I also feel as if some doors are slowly
beginning to open. I certainly don't feel the ball and chain around my leg any
more.
If this is the end, then very soon, things in
my life will finally begin to work again. I have always said that that would be
the ultimate test of whether I have, at long last solved the horrible dilemma.
These are dark times for the whole planet, no doubt, but I have been going
through this for so much longer than most, it is long
overdue to come to an end.
We shall see.
Copyright© 2007 by
Laughing Crow
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